Forgive me cyber world because it has been 5 years, 4 months, 13 days, and 3 hours since my last blog post.
Instead of catching up from 5 years I will just start right now. I have Co-dependence which means that I am obsessed with fixing other people and am controlled by other people’s moods, opinions, and actions.
I am more aware of the feelings of others than I am of my own. I struggle to allow myself to feel emotions because somehow I have this false belief that the only emotions allowed are happy or angry (with a justifiable cause). The book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie (Code) is my textbook. I am also going through the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery (ARP) Guide, as well as attending the meetings.
“Addiction is emotion mismanagement; it is about medicating emotions that we don’t know how to deal with.” John Bradshaw.
I think that most people can relate to emotion mismanagement. Certain events happen in my day which trigger a powerful negative emotion. I shoot up to an extreme reaction – a 5 out of 5! I have been in recovery for almost 5 years and have made a lot of progress but I am still discovering more issues and needing more work. This blog is now about my journey to work on addiction and co-dependence.
Today I am going to work on Step 3 in the ARP guide. The question is “How do you feel about submitting willingly and with patience to the Lord’s timetable of change?” I hate feeling vulnerable and want to change immediately once I discover a weakness but I need to let go of those prideful feelings and submit to changing just as fast as the Lord sees best.
Today I will practice not loathing myself over my weakness, stop beating myself up over my flaws, and just trust that God thinks that I am ok the way that I am and that eventually these problems and weaknesses will be resolved.
Now to”Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. In Chapter 6 “Don’t Be Blown About By Every Wind” it says “By practicing detachment we can lessen our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won’t ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?”
I am nervous because my husband is coming home today from a business trip. I tend to react a lot to his moods and actions and try to save him from things. I have been trying to detach (lovingly) from him and have had some success but these are some realities about detachment that I have discovered:
- It is clumsy
- It is a process
- It takes practice
- Nobody does it perfectly
Today I am going to allow him to experience whatever he is going through without trying to come up with a solution to save him.