Rescuing – the bad kind

ARP Step 3 “How can you gain the courage to keep trying until you are free of your burdens?”  I can remember what the Lord has done for me so far and believe that he will stay with me until I am free of my burdens.  Change is a long process, somethings are going to take a lifetime and perhaps even beyond to overcome.  I wasn’t placed on earth to demonstrate how perfect I am right from the start but rather to build on every experience and become better.  An Ensign article said that a stumbling block was something that once we climbed over, we were on higher ground.

Today I will remember that overcoming weaknesses is a process and that I have help from Jesus, the master of overcoming problems.

“Codependent No More” Melody Beattie.  Chapter 8 Remove the Victim.  What is a Rescue?  “We rescue people from their responsibilities.  We take care of people’s responsibilities for them.  Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done.  Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves…  [Some examples of rescues are:]

  • Doing something we really don’t want to do
  • Saying yes when we mean no
  • Doing something for someone although that person is capable of and should be doing it for him- or herself
  • Meeting people’s needs without being asked and before we’ve agreed to do so
  • Doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested.
  • Consistently giving more than we receive in a particular situation.
  • Fixing people’s feelings
  • Doing people’s thinking for them.
  • Speaking for another person
  • Suffering people’s consequences for them
  • Solving people’s problems for them.
  • Putting more interest and activity into a joint effort than the other person does.
  • Not asking for what we want, need, and desire

[These are] not acts of live, kindness, compassion, and true helping – situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance…

[Rescuing] requires incompetency of the person being taken care of.  We rescue “victims” – people who we believe are not capable of being responsible for themselves…

After we rescue we become angry at the person we have generously “helped”.  We’ve done something we didn’t want to do, something that was not our responsibility,  we have ignored our own needs and wants, and we get angry about it…

Never mind that they will pay a price for our “helping” – a price that will be as harsh or more severe than any feeling they may be facing.”

Today I will not rescue anyone.  It is hard because I have something hard wired into me that says that I am not loving if I don’t save people from their problems.  I feel like I am neglecting my family by not being anxious and controlling and jumping in to fix things.  I feel distant from them because I don’t know any other way to interact with them.  I have to start regarding people as responsible, free agents who can act for themselves, unless they ask for my assistance.  I need to start taking care of myself.

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